They say that to live yoga one combines knowledge and experience, which ultimately leads to higher wisdom. In yoga higher wisdom is called Buddhi. Buddhi is like a light that always shines down on us. It is filled with insight and a deep sense of peace. When we are clear and truly connected to Buddhi then life just flows. When we are stuck in our heads, trying hard to work something out then it is impossible for us to tune to our Buddhi. For me, higher wisdom and truth aren't neccesarily always love and 'ducks and geese', as my teacher Alan Finger puts it. Sometimes we're being shown through a deep life experience how much life hurts and how hard it is to let go of a fixed viewpoint.
For me tapping into states of pain and anger has freed me to understand myself and others more deeply. Today a friend called to talk to me about her anger she was having trouble accepting that she was flying off the handle at little unimportant things. I shared with her that I had been angry all my life and actually enjoyed my anger because it gave me a sense of power. When I am angry its often because I feel out of control and so I act out of control to get control. Makes perfect sense until one starts to have a consistent meditation practice. In meditation we learn to watch our breath and then our thoughts, and then draw deeper to our source through mantra and focused concentration practices. In this state of watching it becomes obvious that when anger begins to arise it is just an emotion or rather a small spark that has not yet wielded its full potential. From the perspective of wisdom the greatest power comes from dousing the flame before it can become a raging fire. But this is the challenge and in the west especially we are asked to beat pillows, cry and scream, and live it out so it is released. Have you ever noticed how expressing anger never seems to release it? When you power up anger it's just like plugging into an electric socket, it just runs 24/7 if you let it.
After nearly a month of living in both anger and pain and expressing it as much as I can, I have come to the end of my rope. All I have to show for all this expression is an exhausted mind and body that longs to rest. The only insight I have had is that it's never ending and that my best course of action has been to turn to the practice I know so well: Observing my emotions as they arise and watching how they fall away just as quickly.
Until recently I really thought I was an expert at self observation but then through a deeply shocking experience I have had to feel things I have been surpressing for most of my adult life, and in that I have discovered incredible states of bliss and freedom. I have realised I can handle a lot more pain in my heart then I thought possible and that I am much stronger and braver then I thought. Now when someone shares a deeply painful experience, I feel that I have true compassion for the situation.
It reminds me of the time that I was pregnant and teaching yoga . I kept sharing with the students how it would feel to give birth and how they could use their practice and their breathing to work through the pain. Then I actually gave birth and felt embarassed at all the things I had said to my students. There is no way you can be prepared for birth, there is no way you can prepare for a sudden shocking loss... noone can prepare you for any experiences you may have as all experiences are so deeply personal. The beautiful thing is that once you do have an experience you can grow from it and it leads you towards wisdom.
In yoga we can get very involved in our meditation experiences. We can see lights and colors and feel energy and see deities and think we have reached some perfect state of union. The reality is that often these states are merely just side effects of practice. True experience occurs when we move to a state of nothingness. Often we cannot share or explain these experiences as our small self (jiva atman) merges with our big self (paramatman) and there is nothing to say...and again these things are what lead us to wisdom in our practice.
In a recent conversation with my teacher Alan Finger about experiences and making them special through words and stories he shared the following "All that is real is the moment, the rest is dreams and words. Everything is Karma at work, so don't let the words make it special, all that is special is riding the wave of Karma, in love with the moment and sharing it with
life."
Heres to riding all the waves, be they painful or blissful...
Om shanti Sundara
I am nobody
